Postcards From the Edge

I really hate upsetting people. My mood is affected by the people in my life and when they're not happy, I'm not happy. So....I'm not happy.

I felt pretty crappy today, thanks to Sunny's 21st birthday. And other things. I sort of thought I had things together and that things were gonna work out in certain areas of my life, but I don't have as much control on life as I thought. I get an idea in my head of how something will be, but I get carried away and ultimately disappointed.

Everyone has bad days. Today was a bad day in a month of good days.

I started my walk down memory lane this afternoon by looking through my 'special folder'. It had been a few months so I decided it was ok and was reminded of some really good moments from the last 3 years of my life. It took a lot of time to get where I am but I'm glad I did just so I can go back to my folder and finally smile.

Tonight I went to my brother's choir concert. He sang a solo in the large chorus and if you know my brother at all, you know he was outstanding. As I was standing in the back of the auditorium listening to him sing, I realized how old he was. He's now a junior at Valley, looking into colleges already, and where have I been? I've been busy at school trying to keep my own life on track, I have barely been around and now he's all grown up. As he was singing this beautiful scottish song, I started to get teary-eyed. It was so beautiful and I was so overwhelmingly proud of him. He really is amazing even if he's just 16. I saw Sarah and her mom while I was walking around and Mrs. Moritz told me he made her cry, too. I love my brother very much and I hope someday we will both slow down our busy lives just enough to see each other more often.

Then I took a stroll through Valley. The construction has made it look so different, yet I could still see signs of life from 3 years ago. My dad walked me into the set shop, and I was reminded of my senior year when I was put in charge of set construction by my dad. It looks amazing and I hope I can come back to see what he's done with the final product. Then I walked up towards the gym where they have knocked down 4 classrooms and put up a temporary wooden hallway. Up by the gym, I looked up at the wall of fame around the ceiling, and saw pictures of Sara Boisen and Kelsey Wells and other people from my class that will still be hanging there 50 years from now. Then I walked back down by where Kristin's locker used to be, and where I used to hang around until she came to school so we could walk around together before class. I walked by my old locker...#769...I walked by my name engraved in the main hallway by the offices under "All-state Drama" for 2 years in a row. I walked past the million dollar bathrooms where I used to stand every morning as a sophomore and talk to the senior boys because they were older and cuter...and I realized that as much as I complain about valley and how much I hate it, I have so many fond memories there and I'm very glad I went because I wouldn't be the unusual girl I am now. And...I wouldn't have met Kristin! and we all know how cool she is...:)

So tomorrow I go back to Luther, and begin the grueling process switching my life around. This break was exactly what I needed and now I'm ready to face the stress and exhaustion all over again with a recharged battery. Yes, it's true..I am a robot. Who doesn't cry. So I don't care what you've heard about me crying earlier in this post...it's not true.

Elizabethtown just changed my life.




Things are about to get a lot different.

-me.

life decides to easy up on me for a while. and i am grateful.....or maybe its just that fall break is in 17 hours. things have been crazy around here lately, esp between me and genevieve. theres been too much running around and too much singing b/c of the amount of stress that has gone to our heads. since i can barely study and all i am thinking about is fall break, i will list the things i need to do when i am home:

take naps with my cat
take my car in to get fixed
go to my doctors appointment....grr
research greek plays, with help from my daddy
draw for 14 hours...
research stuff for amnesty international
go shopping with alyssa
see as many movies as humanly possible
bring back my sweaters! i need them
have a fabulous time at b and k's lovefest '05
meet someone important that i have yet to meet
hang out with EVERYONE. yes, everyone.
eat amazing food
go in my hot tub 20,000 times
hang out with my fam

and relax.


but i cant do any of that until i go draw for 2 hours tomorrow, take an astronomy test, then get my car jumped. then it begins.

i will see you all there

i'm taking the night off. it's a busy week, don't get me wrong, but work will always be there. i have to take in as much as i can before it's gone...

the bravery was pretty good, the lead singer looks like elvis and the guitarist climbed a 10 foot speaker and played on top of it. totally unexpected but totally rockstar. we danced a lot and had a great time even though i only knew one song.

I've spent my whole life surrounded
and I've spent my whole life alone
I wonder why I never wonder why
The easiest things are so hard
I just want, I just want love

alyssa wehr looks fabulous as a flapper. i have been working on her dress the past two days and now shes sporting it around the cluster and she's very cute. whenever i'm not sure if this is what i want do with my life, something happens where i am reminded how much i love it and i stop doubting myself.

confidence is key. in every aspect of life.

i love and appreciate all of you and i hope you know how special you are.

some people make me really sad. and i ask why i put myself into situations that will end up badly but i have no answer. im getting too old for all the promiscuity here at luther college. but it follows me wherever i go.

luther is a slutty school.

now i gotta go help some young drunk gentlemen find a microwave. time to make new friends i guess.

My head is a mess
and my heart always hurts.
I wish life was more simple
but complication is more educational.
I have a scar on my lip
and my body is breaking down
and I can only look ahead
no more looking behind
and I finally know who I am
but I wish so much didn't have to change
in order for me to get there.
Life and death have been on my mind lately
and all that philisophical stuff
so I think about life as whole
instead of just the details.
I wish I had superpowers
and I could read minds
so that I could read yours
and I could see what you were thinking
but I'd keep your thoughts to myself
because I'm learning that keeping secrets
is like preserving a memory
that few people know about
that you can think about when you're 60
and remember when you were young.
My head may be a mess
but it's all a part of growing up.

Tonight I felt very scared and nervous about what is to come, and thought, "it's ok I have a lot of great people who will be there for me and who will support me." Then I realized this really wasn't true. I can count on one hand how many people seem to care and who will be there for me in the near future. I had always thought that I had support everywhere I looked but I don't. I was heartbroken and to be perfectly honest pretty disappointed. So this post is for all of you who think you're being a good friend to everyone you know....because chances are you could do better. Life is crazy and full of so many things that take up your time but in the end the only thing that will survive will be the people around you so make time for what should be some of the most important people in your lives. Don't just talk to them, but TALK to them. They are your friends for a reason so please don't forget about what they've given you. Everyone could be a better friend but only a few people do anything about it.


The happiest business in all the world is that of making friends,
And no investment on the street pays larger dividends,
For life is more than stocks and bonds, and love than rate percent,
And he who gives in friendship's name shall reap what he has spent.
-- Anonymous




*DISCLAIMER...i was not saying i myself have been a perfect friend. because i certainly haven't. i just think the whole world needs a reminder every once in a while, including me.

Even thought you know you did your best, do you sometimes wish you would've tried a little harder?

"you've been stuck in my head from the start
and now I can't get you out of my heart
yeah you're stuck in my heart"






thanks jake

i wish i was a hippie
i wish i had all the money i needed to see all the new movies i want to see
i wish i wasn't so obsessed with movies
i wish i wasn't so tired all the time
i wish life was like 'the notebook'
i wish i could try out for the vagina monologues
i wish that it would be ok for me to tell people what's on my mind without them getting mad
i wish more people told the truth
i wish people would understand that i'm willing to listen to them
i wish boys weren't so confusing
i wish girls weren't so selfish
i wish i could sit people down and tell them what is wrong with them because they need to hear it
i wish i knew what i was doing
i wish life wasn't one big question mark
i wish i was more like a boy and nothing would matter
i wish people would say what they mean
i wish i wasn't being forced to draw and i could just do it on my own
i wish i didn't feel like i am getting in people's way
i wish i knew how to knit more than just a scarf
i wish i was successful
i wish people weren't so damn sad all the time (including myself)
i wish people wouldn't ignore the important things
i wish people would actually read my posts.

I'm not sure if the problem is that no one can hear me or that no one wants to listen to me anymore.



...why'd you sing hallelujah if it means nothing to ya? why'd you sing with me at all?

scott and jordan are coming to visit tomorrow. and we're hosting the biggest party these 14 girls/guy have ever seen. i have no idea what to expect.


feeling wierd after one of the worst weeks of my life. some interesting things have come up, i'm curious to see how they turn out. i love the unknown.

i watched 'my best friends wedding' today. i'm never getting married. it's not that i dont want to....but no one would ever want to marry me.

life is hard. lately it's been more confusing than ever. but no matter where i go i've always got rufus there beside me to back me up.

'I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do.'

More people should start thinking with their hearts instead of their heads.

I need a moment
to regain my strength
from this sickening weekend
I must redo, reform, recreate
I must recapture
the little self-esteem I have left
I'll take my happiness
and stick it in a jar
and seal it up
so it won't run away from me again
Some things never change
and some things do
This time around
there is hope on the horizon
With one sad event
a resolution forms
I sit here
I watch life focus and refocus
It sculpts me into who I will become
Even you had a hand
in the mess that I am
Will you be there for me
I have only your word
I am always here
I am always listening
I am always willing
Stay close by
But don't worry about me
I'll be fine

"Hey, Stripes. I love your face." -Jacoby



Somtimes the smallest things make your day 10 times better.

I'm pretty lost. But can anyone help? Most likely not. I have never been one to let problems go on for long before I fix them....except for this. I've been here before, once. And because of that I can't make any decisions this time around, b/c the last thing I want is for history to repeat itself. So I'm stuck. When you have a complex, your thoughts are exaggerated inside your head and even if you talk to someone about it they say, "No, Brittany. You're just paranoid." They might be right, they might be wrong. In the long run it's not that big of a deal. So I'd love to have it not bother me. But I can't help who I am even if I wish I could. Do I try and fix it taking the risk that things will get worse and I will go through it all over again? Or do I do nothing and hope it gets better on its own, even though I don't believe things get solved that way? I have the same thoughts run through my head and sadness inevitably follows. I'm really lost. Someone tell me what to do.



I just re-read it to myself and realized there are about 3 different ways people can interpret this, and I like the fact that it's so ambiguous. I'm not expecting that anyone can help me; I'll have to brave it on my own. I love all of you, by the way, and thanks for being in my life. People don't show gratitude enough.

I want to tell you about my sweet friends. And why I love them.

Nikki sort of kills me with her randomness. She walks into my room to shoot the breeze and how random that breeze is. I love it. Megan and I have nice walks to class and is very sweet. Amy May is the nicest but funniest person to laugh at when she's been drinking. AKA right now. I love Lori b/c she's brash and straight-forward and I like that b/c I try to do that as much as possible. Sunny is the funniest when she doesn't mean to be. Alyssa and Katie are two of the prettiest girls I've ever met and I love the attention they get b/c it amuses the rest of us. Kristin and Emily are so smart it makes me jealous but they are equally as fun. Genevieve gets the most hilarious vote. When she tells you to show her your boobs twenty times a day you think it's funny too. Anna is the most outrageous and just came in here a while ago and dropped her pants without warning. And Kari, oh Kar-face, is oh so unique to anyone I've ever met, which I mean in the best way possible. I am so appreciative that I get to live with them this year and have the most fun I've had so far here at Luther.

Now for those of you who don't know them and skipped all that....Oh how things have been frustrating lately. Life has just been so up and down as of late that it's wearing me out. I need to take a day where I don't feel anything, just neutral so I can recharge my battery....like he says in wedding crashers which I saw again tonight. Great movie with free popcorn, but it made me miss Danny a lot. So that's sad too....

Tomorrow I get to eat lunch! You wouldn't think it's a big deal but it is. It's huge. I only eat lunch once a week. I am so excited.

I reaaaaaally need to do the work that I saved for the last minute tonight (aka now). But I will probably go out to the center and talk to the girls b/c they're out there now and they're too fun to pass up. I've been staying up too late with them the past few nights...but who sleeps? really?

Just remember:

Smile, I love you.

I'm in a wierd mood that I get into every once in a while where I am ultra paranoid that everything good in my life will fall apart in the very near future. So...I get really self-conscious and sad. I'm pretty down on myself right now. Even when I have no extra time to think I still find time to dwell on sad things. It might go away in a few days, but until then I think I'm not good enough for everything in my life and I hate feeling this way. So that sucks...

I'm glad Kristin came this weekend. I miss her and I hope she comes back to sleep with me again.